Friday, August 12, 2005

How we decided to use a donor...

We were convinced I guess by friends that we made who were also going through IVF and I guess the doctors. The idea being that the donor semen would only be used if my own could not be retrieved in a sufficient quantity for the combined IVF / ICSI procedures.

During each of the two IVF retrieval procedures that my wife underwent to retrieve her eggs I also underwent that day or within a day a testicular biopsey to retrieve live sperm. None of the samples I tried to provide had enough to use via an ICSI procedure.

ICSI is when they actually insert the sperm into a viable egg. Think of it as fertilization with an assist.

Anyhow during the first two IVF cycles we did not need the donor samples as they found enough each time when they operated on me. Unfortunately neither of those cycles resulted in even chemical pregnancies when the embryos were transferred into my wife. Costly disppointments to say the least. Not even addressing the emotional side of it. That was far worse.

At this point we did not know what to do as I could not undergo another surgery for another 6 months at least and only one more at that.

We decided we could not go this route again so we decided DI alone was we had to do if we were to have a shot of at least having a child that was at least biologically connected to my wife. We came to terms with DI based on that idea and that the half that was not biologically from me would be as if half the child was adopted.

This was a major step for us as when we began the IVF my wife was dead set against DI as she could not handle the thought of another man's sperm being in her. But with this new rationale and it really being our only chance to have a natural childbirth if it took we came to accept our decision.

6 comments:

Marty said...

How do you feel about using DI as a "cure" for the "symptom" of not making your wife pregnant, as opposed to some other procedure which might actually diagnose and perhaps lead to a true cure, of the true infertility: your low sperm count.

DI is not a "treatment for infertility" you realize...

DI_Dad said...

We tried boosting my count using various drugs (don't recall which)to no avail. How do I feel about using DI as a cure? If we could not boost my count and the cycles where we used the sperm retrieved from me did not work I cannot think of what woud be considered a true cure.

Would I have preferred that my own sperm have been used. Certainly. Was success likely? Who knows with enough testicular biopsies and enough attempts maybe. As it was I was told only one additional attempt via the biopsy route was possible from me. It was jointly decided by my wife and I that that another operation on me was too physically, monetarilty, and emotionally taxing to try again.

Do I realize that DI is not a treatment for infertilty? Certainly but the goal was not to cure my infertility but to produce a child (or children) that we could love and raise. My wife gave birth to two children biologically connected to her. I can live with that.

Marty said...

Thanks for your response. I've never had any experience with your situation before, but have recently run across a few adult children of anonymous donors who have begun to make their feelings public -- the original "test-tube babies" of a generation ago. I wasn't even a teenager back then, but from what i recall the public those debate about such things were not much different than the way we talk about "cloning" today. Slippery slope and all that... But in 20 or 30 years, we'll be hearing from adult "clones" as well, and learning their unique perspectives on "family" and "technology" and i guess "humanity"...

Still, some questions remain, and i'd be honored by your perspective:

How do I feel about using DI as a cure? If we could not boost my count and the cycles where we used the sperm retrieved from me did not work I cannot think of what woud be considered a true cure.

A "true cure" would obviously be something that boosted your count, with more and stronger swimmers. :) Would yousay then that your infertility is "incurable"? Surely you have a better word than that, having lived through this...

but the goal was not to cure my infertility but to produce a child (or children) that we could love and raise.

There are many ways to do that, Anonymous donation is just one. I think if it were me, i'd ask my brother... at least then my kids grandparents would be just as related, even if i weren't.

My wife gave birth to two children biologically connected to her. I can live with that.

Therein lies the dichotomy. The question of blood kinskip, and why it mattered as a matter of fact to your wife, but as a matter of expedience(?) for you? I dont mean that how it sounds -- i'm asking, not saying... how do you reconcile a "partial adoption" (is 'donation' even the right word) with your child's (and your own, and your wife's) need for kinship?

DI_Dad said...

Marty -

Can I ask you a question before I give you my thoughts? You mention that in your experience you had not run into someone who has had my situation before. May I ask from what perspective you are coming from with all your questions? Are you a medical practitioner or a therapist? Or are you yourself an adult conceived via DI or perhaps an individual considering DI? I am at a disadvantage as I don't know to whom I am replying. Perhaps that keeps my responses purer and is the idea.

Anyhow I am going to answer your questions in a new posting later today so others can more clearly see the discussion as its become. Would we be better served by conducting this in the DSR message boards in yahoo? Perhaps but for the moment we can continue here.

Marty said...

Thanks. To be frank, i became involved in the same-sex marriage debate about two years ago, and those conversations have led to some very interesting places that i had never before considered. Intriguing questions about family, kinship (legal versus blood versus both), and humanity that i am unable to answer on my own.

I found your site from a link posted on www.familyscholars.org

DI_Dad said...

My August 22, 2005 post responds to the questions Marty posed in the above comment.